Nick.

last night I couldn't sleep, and that is a very strange and serious problem for me indeed! I, who can (and regularly do) sleep with the lights on, people talking, during every movie I watch, in 10-4 at Los, and yes, however shamefully, in the byu bookstore bathroom. and yet, last night I lay awake for hours.
What's the deal?
I had that same horrible feeling in my stomach that i get after I've done something really horrible. Or am about to fail a gigantic test. Or hurt somebody. Or ruined my chances at something. Or made a fool or myself big time. Or have a broken heart. Or am thinking about money. Or grades. Or the horribly frightening, vastly unknown future.
Yes, all of these actions seem to carry pretty much the same awful, twisting, knotting, crushing, feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I avoid them all to the best of my ability... along with swine flu and speeding tickets. But the thing is, I don't actually have any idea what causes the swine flu. So how can I really avoid it? And I'm a chronic speeder, so it's chance alone (ok, and maybe some crocodile tears) that has gotten me out of that one. But the others tend to happen occasionally; there's just no avoiding them forever. But this time I know exactly what was the problem, and when I finally realized it, and how INCREDIBLY silly it was, I fell right asleep. The problem? I was in a bit of a fight... with my imaginary boyfriend!!!
I've been dating this kid for several weeks now - making my summer both more entertaining, and infinitely more pathetic.
He was a new janitor this summer - disgustingly handsome with dark hair, blue eyes, the perfect smile, and strangely lively for four in the morning come to think of it...
We first talked doing handrails, and then I trained him on garbage, and we instantly became great friends. We bonded over our dislike of Steve, and my wealth of custodial folklore. He told me in return what it was like to grow up in Cali and how he was becoming a doctor so that he could bring health care to his fathers orphanages in third world countries.
He was way too good to be scrubbing toilets, but still jumped in like one of the gang. (I found out a few weeks ago that he was also incredibly rich)
We went out to breakfast the first Saturday he worked there because we had been talking about food the whole time we swept second together and were starved when we got off. He didn't have his wallet, so I paid. He insisted on taking me to dinner that night to pay me back, and our relationship has been growing quickly since then! Really, it's been great. He's the perfect boyfriend and does everything I could imagine. (ha! Imagine that!)
The problem was that it was going too fast. He is leaving for Guatemala for the next two months and was talking about marriage after he gets back. What? We've barely KNOWN each other for a month?! holy cow! so ridiculous. Plus at the mention of marriage, I told him how I'm GOING on a mission. And while he said he was fine taking it slow and dating for months and months til I was ready, he wasn't ok with waiting for a mission. Well that is equally ridiculous! If he loved me and we were meant to get married, wouldn't he freakin wait for me?!? Well this is exactly what I was stewing over last night when I realized that it doesn't matter!! He's NOT REAL! hahaahahahha I laughed so hard. I'm such a freak! I haven't gone on a date all summer. no need to get worked up about that just yet :)


Janitoring was so lonely today! I miss him. But at least no more sleepless nights :)